Tonight at Barbara’s I overheard her talking to Alex about me. And I started crying. She was talking about how bad she feels for me for never being able to be with someone that cares about me. And that really really hit me. Like, all I’ve been thinking about and even having nightmares about has been Aaron lately. I want him to apologize but I know he won’t. I want him to talk to me but I know he won’t. The things Barbara was saying really upset me though. Like I loved Aaron and I’m still not over losing him because I don’t know why it had to happen. If he just dropped Joyce and was actually devoted to loving me like he used to be when we would shower and walk me to work or I’d pick him up from work or we’d cuddle up and watch a movie just about every night and he’d tell me about his day and tell me how nobody talks to him and how he’s so lucky to have me and we’d cook dinner or Order dinner or walk over to cvs for some food. Like it was quite honestly the best experience of my life, dating Aaron. Because I opened up to someone which is not something I normally do. I’m supposed to be this strong independent woman. But I can’t seem to get over this. It had been 4-5 months since he broke my heart and I still wish to see his name on my phone every day. Sometimes I want to message him just to see if he’s still alive. I was going to snapchat him the other day but I accidentally clicked his name and it showed his top snapchatters and Joyce was number one. So I decided not to. He’d rather have her. Idk what she has that I don’t. He used to always tell me all the things he didn’t like about her bit now I guess none of that matters. It’s like 6 am right now. Alex just left for work. I thought I heard him and Barbara kiss bit I was wrong. Last night I met Brian. We went to his apartment and conveniently Kelly cucci was there with her ex. When she asked about Aaron I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t want to cry. But after a few hours I gave in and told her and she just kept hugging me. Barbara keeps saying I can do better. But I mean who am I kidding. Nobody even cares about me. Like I’m pretty sure I cry myself to sleep every single night. I don’t see a point to anything. I want to be in my apartment. I want to be in jersey. And after those things are done idk what I will have to look forward to. I already feel like an ugly, useless hoe. Like, who am I trying to kid by thinking I can find someone to actually care about me. Barbara is the only person that actually talks to me. And she makes me feel bad. I’d rather hear the truth but I mean sometimes it’s too much. I want to cut. I want to cut. I want to cut. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I think if someone was trying to kill me, I’d probably help them. And at least then I wouldn’t be blamed for it like I’m blamed for everything else in the world.
I have never deserved anyone’s love. That is becoming quite clear. I lack self respect; i lack self love. I lack self confidence. Because everyone I have ever cared about or anything, has regretted being with me. I am just everyones regret. I can’t love myself because everyone is right. everyone leaves. I am worthless. The nightmares are back. People dying. Me drowning. I miss aaron. I shouldn’t and i do. Luke loves me like no other. But he isn’t here. and i just don’t love him the way i loved aaron and i don’t see why everything beautiful has to die. I keep doing things i shouldn’t. making bad choices. Because i have stopped caring. I keep crying. Jillian Billerman is dead. She died from some bacterial pneumonia thing and i can’t stop thinking about her sleeping over our house or only liking the orange shrimp. She has a fiancé and a son. She went to the hospital for a fever and back pain and ended up dying. It’s not right, she was only 22. I don’t get why nobody can give two shits about me. Ive always been honest. Ive always been faithful. I fight, but i love just as much, if not more. I keep talking to barbara about our pasts and stuff. i have no problem talking abut and joking around about the amount of people i have been with. but then I’m left alone with my own thoughts and realize i am a piece of shit. i shouldn’t be with those guys. its gross. demoralizing. but it gives me momentary bliss because I’m not alone. And thats sad. Because i lived with aaron and all i wanted was another chance but instead he regrets being with me. and he was asking me for naked pictures the other day. Like seriously? he destroyed me and told me he regretted sleeping with me. So why would he want to see a body that he regrets ever seeing? it hurts. so deep. Like i want to reach into my chest and pull out my heart. I feel like i will never get anyone. ever. i can’t commit to people. i can’t trust people. i told aaron in the beginning of everything that i didnt want him to be like the other guys that when/if we break up i find out they’re something else. i told him i didnt want to sleep with him if he would just regret it. all my fears come true. every damn time. I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of living in this world. you don’t even know.
So…. I got a car. A freaking car. It’s a good thing nobody knows about this tumblr cuz shits about to get real. Okay. I don’t make good choices. As the wise words of a song once told me, he’ll I don’t remember where I was goin with that. Basically, the dangerous things and the bad choices basically just make me feel alive. When Aaron left me, I was hurt. Like, bad. I felt as if I was ugly and messed up and unlovable. And then I started seeing him the way I see Chris. Like , yes I loved him. But he wasn’t going anywhere with his life. He still isn’t. He couldn’t focus on school. He made me feel like shit when I didn’t deserve that. So screw him. But there’s more to that rant but let me just explain what’s been goin on. Since my last post, I’ve been to Brandon’s. Stepping up tho cuz now Brandon has a new place! His own room. His own bathroom. His own shower. (; yeah you know where that’s goin. And I was drinking. So that was fun. I played pool a bunch with ally and my dad. Finally using the pool stick Aaron got me. And it doesn’t make me cry anymore. Ummm yeah so I went to Gainesville again. And one of the nights I was there, I decided to try weed againn don’t ask me why. It has never really affected me. But yeah so barbs took me to some guys house. And I told Aaron I was drinking but in reality I was trying editables which is basically a cookie with a lot of weed in it. I had one and a half. Barbara had one. She was laughing at the ceiling and the sink. She was high as hell and I had to sleep there cuz she couldn’t drive. Umm I didn’t feel any different at all. But when I closed my eyes I was dizzy. I don’t remember a lot like ever but I remember I felt fine. I was disappointed cuz that was my 3rd time and I haven’t felt anything. Ummm that night, Aaron got drunk and upset me, as usual. Barbara yelled at me for even talking to him. But it made me laugh. He said sometimes he wants me. He said it hurt seeing me so he can’t see me again. Man grow up. He dumped me and now He can’t even seee me? Like grow some balls. And that bitch had the nerve to ask for nudes. Like, after he basically called me a whore and said he regretted ever being with me, he wants to see me naked? Ask Joyce. I’m sure she’s willing since she just can’t seem to hop off his dick. Ok. I’m calm. Ok. So yeah I also got in touch with Timmy again. So I’m about to go over to his place and sleep there for the night. I’m so excited about the car though. Aghhh. Oh and there’s Brian, haven’t met him yet but he is definite friend material. Maybe more. He’s really cute and we can talk for hours. I have a slight crush on him but I’m trying not to because of the Linus stuff. Dammit. Okay Timmy is waiting I have to leave. 😘 side note: sometimes I love myself. Like now. I’m in a good mood. I’m going to sleep next to a blonde hair blue eyes boy without having sex. But sometimes I hate myself. I get ridiculously depressed. Like at that dudes house when I saw Alex taking car of Barbara and the othr dude taking care of the other girl. I had nobody. And I’m ok with that I guess but I mean Barbara has a boyfriend and that guy friend that will take care of her. I hate being alone sometimes. I wish Aaron and I could have worked out our problems. Okay, now goodbye.
"I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did."
— (via hazelhirao)
The thing that sucks about mental illness is that if you aren’t depressed enough, suicidal enough, bad enough, nobody cares. Nobody cares until you reach their standard, and that standard is when your problem is bad enough to effect them
The amount of people who can relate to this makes me equally incredibly sad and immensely angry
"One day you’re going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won’t even notice you because she’s too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes. And it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and realizing that you’re not the reason anymore. And then it will finally hit you: it was her, it was always her."
So I’m currently y kinda drink so sorry for typos in advance. Tonight I was bored so first I went to play pool with my daddy and tang was fun and then I went toy joke and wanted Taco Bell so I asked mike and Joey if they wanted some too and took my moms care to get some and then we were bonding and my brother told me he smokes hooka with his friends and drinks with his friends so I told him we should and Joey should sleep over since were all going to Busch gardens tomorrow so we try and buy a hookah pen but I spent 20 bucks on bltbrjng cu the one I bought was broken so now we need a new one and I bought some cigarettes and smoked one and that’s my first cigarette buying experience since it’s ale has been back and molds but Travis smoked something else with me and I liked it and I thought it was Marlboro reds but I was wrong cu these tastes like shot. Brandon is acting weird too. So is Travis. And I am kinda ashamed change I know why. Anyway so hookah was a busy and then we started. Drinking and playing ring of fire and I had to tell my deepest secret so I told Joey about rand heaping me and he almost read it out lout it was terrifying. I feel like auto correct is failing me but I can’t go back and change then. Anyway so we drink and ring of fire and then all nigt jowh was hitting on me and then he snuck into my room and we Barely did anything. But he is a really good kisser and I feel bad ch it’s Bris brother and she would kill me of she ever found this but thank god she won’t. Forbidden fooling around is always the best. He was pulling my hair and kissing my neck and holy shit he is well endowed and yeah now I have to be up on a few hours and I’m so tired but want someone to talk to and my stomach is upset from the alcohol and he is a hilarious drunk and it will be. Fun summer with 3 guys wow. I am such a how and such a notch and indecisive I should just kill myself now before I wreck my life any more. I listeners to neutral milk hotel today and I miss James so kick. I also found some of Aaron’s clothes and now they’re hidden under my bed. I felt. Lot better saying “I can do this just be strong” then I ever did saying “I don’t want to do this it’s too hard I give up ” yeah. And Brian hit ok me , the guy from tinder. But my brother saw an inappropriate comment and may have scared him away. Idk. 4 guys? Seems a by exclessoce but hey I’m used to screwing up my life and nobody gives to shits so why the hell lot ugh. I need sleep. Hopefully this is legible. 😘☺️😉
I just got back from another night out. Why must I be reminded of Aaron every single fucking day? Okay let me tell you about this day. So I eat a really nice steak dinner after cleaning and spending the day with my mom. I love her but I can only take so much. So yea I was frustrated. I then went out to eat icecream with Bri and Joey and ally and a bunch of Bris friends. And I told them some stories. First off, they said Aaron has a unibrow and that it was really funny. I never saw it funny. And I stuck up for him. But then I thought to myself, why the hell am I sticking up for someone that would never in a million years say anything nice about me? He destroyed me and somehow I am still the bitch. Anyway, I let them talk, while scratching away at my leg because I still miss him. Then ally tells some stories. Then I get lectured by just about everyone because I’m fucking up my life with all these boys. And yeah. So then ally and me leave and go do some hookah at the hookah bar place. And I kinda got a headache so we left to find somewhere else to go and ended up going to play pool. Which was good. Playing pool doesn’t remind me of Aaron anymore. It only reminds me of black max. But then I was kinda frustrated. I was snap chatting Corey cuz he was drunk. He said he missed me. And then he said “sorry it didn’t work out with Aaron” and I said sorry it didn’t work out wit that one girl. And he was a dick. And he said something like “it is what it is” or “that’s life” or something dumb. But ya. So then I was thinking about him again. Around 1230 I called my mom to tell her I was at capones and not home yet and in reality I was in the car with ally on my way to Brandon’s. I pinky promised ally ONE thing and I told Brandon about that promise and then I broke it anyway. I like hanging out with him though. When she dropped me off there, he brought his big dog over to me and she loves me. He introduced her to me for the first time last week slowly and didn’t get upset at the fact that I was scared. Both Brandon and Travis both have really cute dogs. Anyway, so every time Brandon and me hangout we just cuddle up and watch doctor who. Which is great because nobody would ever do that other than James and it frustrates me that everyone just cuts me out of their lives. Anyway, I went there with no intentions. Dammit. And now I’m home, it’s only 230 which is really early to be home from Brandon’s. It was my 4th or 5th time there. I feel really badly. Like really depressed. I’m off my medicine so that could be why. Or it could be the fact that I got into an argument with Aaron yesterday. Everything is so dumb. Why couldn’t he love me. Why couldn’t he forgive me. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Like It took me a long ass time to trust him. And then he just acts like all I ever did was bitch and complain and insult him and that I’m not worth his time. In reality, we fought. But I never insulted him. I just wanted him to keep his word. To stay awake. To help me out once in a while. I still let him vent. I still kissed him. I still loved him. I went into my room and you know what I saw? Wrapping paper under my bed. From when I wrapped all of Aaron’s presents in my room and hid them when he came over to stay with me over winter break. I spent so much time and money trying to find the perfect present for him. I think I returned like 3 things trying to find the right thing. I ended up getting his favorite childhood movie, the page master. I loved that movie. And he looked like that kid when he was little. I also got him a computer game. And a bunch of small things. He got me a pol cue that I can’t even use because it reminds me of him. He is the only guy to legit get me a present I would use and not just jewelry or chocolate. Idk. I’m frustrated. I still think about him. That’s why I’m still bitter. Because I know that I think about him. I miss hkm. I want to lay next to him and kiss him and tell him how absolutely wonderful he is and keep telling him every day until he believes it. I wish I could stop. But I can’t and I hate myself for it. If I’m nice to him, he tries to make me feel bad. Like HE is lonely. He fucking dumped me. And I loved him. I would have been with him every day. But I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve to be happy. I just deserve random guys in bed and that’s all I will ever be apparently. Nobody would fucking care if i just left the world. So why should I care. About anything.
Soooooo last night…. I saw Travis. Oh my lord. Okay. So he brought me to walmart in his new car where I ran into bri and Bris boyfriend. He held my hand and kept kissing my hand. Stuff like that. Danced with me in walmart. Said he missed me. All that stuff. I hadn’t seen him since last summer. I put on his marines hat too :3 I’ll post a pic to Facebook. Ummm after Walmart we went to his place to watch a movie. Lots of kissing. Lots of stuff happened. Yeah. I’m not going into details. But yeah. So yeah. Travis… 😍. And then he dropped me off at home around 230 am and Brandon picked me up and we went back to his place to watch more doctor who. I was wearing one of his tshirts. Only one of his tshirts. (: and he was giving me back massages and holding my hand. It was a great freaking night ! (: but he saw some marks on my ass apparently from Travis. Because then he accused me of sleeping with him and said he won’t sleep with me if I’m sleeping with other people. So basically I have to choose between the two of them. Yeah. Got into a huge fight with Brandon to where he basically said forget it and he apologized a million times and said he just cares about me and stuff. And said we are friends and he’s sorry for upsetting me. Stuff like that. Oh and Aaron texted me. And that angers me. Part of me wants him to care. But he’s with Joyce and lying about it. I know they spent his birthday together. He has helped her study. They have gone out to dinner. He’s been in her bed. And it pisses me off. He spent so much time telling me she was nothing to him and then he replaces me with her. Whatever. He only messages me to tell me I left clothes there. Of course I left clothes there. He was everything to me and I was nothing to him. Whatever. I tried to stay in his life. And I talked to nick. To officially call things off I guess. I’m guna slightly miss it though. He was an interesting person. And he was gentle. And the kiss was pretty great. But I can smoke with Travis and Brandon without them judging me. So there’s that. I don’t know what to do about Aaron. I partly miss him but I don’t know why because he treats me so badly , like I’m nothing. Like, idk. I wish he cared. But he doesn’t. I can’t make him. Idk. Okay I’ll end this.